bookmark_borderWhat Don’t Break Us, Makes Us PT2

What Don’t Break Us, Makes Us PT2

By Dewon Tarpley


When we’re questioned, what is it that we look for in a woman? How many of us truly have an honest answer? First of all, we must be de-programmed! We must remove the outlandish influences and guidelines that we look to so very often to tell us what it is we’re supposed to want. Reality shows, magazines, friends & family all attempt to push in our minds what to want in a partner, “Is mom going to like her?  What’s grandma going to say about her cooking?  Will she fit in with my sisters & cousins?” Funny thing though, no one has to be committed to this woman but us. Furthermore, while we’re making this long list of qualifications, the question is, do we even add up to that same list ourselves?

Too often we enter these commitments with so many expectations it’s no wonder why violence, infidelity, and divorce plague our communities. Arguments & power struggles, it’s a mental and emotional tug – of – war! Where is the communication, sacrifice, compromise and friendship? Why so many egos, I’m right and you’re wrong? What about let’s be happy?

I guess this is where I’m supposed to say that maintaining a relationship is hard work, but I need to change a couple words… to maintain a healthy partnership, we must work SMARTER! Notice I said PARTNERSHIP, yes because that’s exactly what’s needed. Loyalty to an honest, equal, and trusting individual who has committed to taking this journey side-by-side with us.  Men, we have an extremely important role in our union of hearts. We are the leaders, protectors and providers and we must stand in this position and accept our powerful role indeed! Be a true KING to your QUEEN! Learn to appreciate her abilities as a visionary, guide her through the hardships & turmoil, provide the stability so that she may nurture the home (you as well), and most importantly DEFEND HER HONOR! Recognize the value in your partner and what she brings to the relationship.

Individuals don’t win championships, teams do! And the journey to the championship can be very taxing. It’s an adventure of sorts. As time progresses, the bond between them grows stronger. They learn each others’ movements & mannerisms so well that their play becomes instinctive. It’s always a collective effort. Where some are weak, others are strong and this reinforces the links of the chain. The same parameters should be followed in any relationship. It’s give and take, or we’ll call it compromise. We must let go of expectations and be open to learning our partner wholistically. Allow the pieces of the puzzle to fit harmoniously, without force, and watch the glorious beauty of your lives together unfold.

bookmark_borderWhat don’t Break Us Makes Us

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own ~UNKNOWN

Building the path to a successful relationship can be a hard and arduous task. Laying the foundation requires careful skill and determination, especially if your desire is longevity.  These days we’re offered an instant relationship as aalternative, using images of promiscuity and glamorizing partying as the catalyst.

Today’s society doesn’t employ the same method of commitment as those before us once did.  The stories of adversity that our grandparents told speaking of infidelity and hardships are clear examples of perseverance. They weren’t scared to do the work to salvage their connection.  I believe that societies perspective of a “microwave” relationship is the contributing factor in why so many men and women are currently single and families lack togetherness.

Is Independence our greatest enemy?

The woman of the 20th century possesses the will and tenacity to be successful at anything she puts her mind to. I’ll admit hearing I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-C-E blaring from my car speakers sparked something in me that made me proud of my accomplishments, but is our need to be separate aiding in our singleness?

The fact is relationships are collective—there is no “I” in team.  Furthermore, constantly reminding your man of how much you don’t need him will only discourage him.

Men are primal creatures that measure their manhood according to how much they can protect and provide.  Like a good friend once told me, “When you need something off the top self, stop climbing on the counter… ask your man to get it for you”.  Though humorous, the before example is true.  A man has to feel needed. I’m not implying you should always play the role of the damsel in distress, however, staying true to his need to be nurtured will add years to your partnership.

Staying Balanced in your relationships

Being whole means successfully managing your emotional, mental and physical self.  A big part of staying balanced in your relationship requires you do some self-assessment. As women we are nurturers, teachers and visionaries.  What role are you playing? Are you playing the position of the man or womb-man? Is it possible that you could have contributed to some of the issues in your present or past relationships?  Ask yourself; “Am I allowing my past to negatively impact my partnership?” Communication is the key; therefore keep the lines of communication open. Don’t make the mistake of assuming what he feels or thinks. Pay attention to what he is trying to tell you. Those words may determine what’s making or breaking your union.