It’s been a while, my friend.
I’ve missed you, but I’ve been away so long that I was ashamed to come back and let you see how I’ve fallen.
And then I realized, The longer I stay away, the further I fall.
So, I’ve come back, sheepishly, with my head down feeling a little embarrassed. Why do I feel embarrassed? Well, I’ve gained some <more> weight back. The last time I wrote, I was up about 13 pounds. I was doing okay, and then Ryan spent 6 days in the hospital with pneumonia (he’s okay now) and it all went to hell. Now I’ve gone ahead and gained nearly 30 pounds (28.8 as of last Saturday’s weigh in)–that’s half the weight I’d ever-so-painstakingly lost over the course of 2 years.
All that work–poof. Up in smoke, just like that, in a matter of months.
I desperately want to get back “on the wagon,” but I don’t even know how. I feel like such a fraud, a failure, because I can’t even practice what I preach.
I’ve started seeing Mary (my therapist) regularly again, though it feels different this time. Last time, when I started therapy, I was full of hope and determination. This time, I just feel sadness, and defeat. I know, I know it’s one big self-fulfilling prophecy. I just can’t get myself out of this hole.
My clothes are all tight and nothing fits me well, all this re-gained weight has gone straight to my midsection–the high point of this weekend was Karinne asking if there was a baby in my belly. (The rational part of my brain realizes she probably would have asked that just for fun, regardless of the size of my stomach, but the emotional part of my brain took it to heart and it definitely stung a little.)
It’s been a long time since I felt this negative about myself, my body, life in general. And it’s a great big circle, because everything affects, well, everything. When I feel bad about myself, then I don’t take care of myself (eat less healthy, bathe less), I don’t take care of the house (dishes pile up, laundry piles up, living room is a war zone), and I don’t take care of my family (stop cooking, watch more tv, interact less with kids, pay less attention to Marc).
Basically, this has to stop. I have to stop. The only way I know to do this is just to fake it til I make it. So, for starters, I’m going to do one good thing for myself every day–go for a walk, eat a salad, take a shower, blog–whatever it is, it has to be just for me.
I’m also going to return to tracking my food–for real. I’ve been logging into My Fitness Pal every day, but only to keep up my streak–I haven’t actually logged my food in months. The good, the bad, the ugly, I’m tracking it all. Help me stay accountable and add me if you use it too–I’m “steeners”!
The third item on my new plan of action is that before I put any food into my mouth, I’m going to ask myself 3 questions: “Am I hungry?” “Do I really want this?” and “How does this contribute to my goals?”
I know I can do this, that this has just been a bit of a bump (hill? mountain?) in this journey, but I’m ready to get past it.
Here are some pictures of life over the last month!