Well, hello. It’s me. I was wondering if after all these years months you’d like to meet. (Couldn’t help myself, the song was too perfect.)
And this week, the week of my 33rd birthday (which is actually today), I wiped the slate clean. It’s my fresh start.
I’ve said this several times before… here, and here, even here. I hate that I’m back in this place. I thought I’d said goodbye to this place a long time ago.
But here I am.
My fresh start, it has to be today, this week, because if not now, then when? Next week? Next month? Another 10 pounds from now?
I officially reset my starting weight at WW last Saturday. Six months ago I was 60 pounds down, then all hell broke loose and here I am, 40 pounds heavier (that was harder to type than I thought it would be.) At least I haven’t regained it all? It was too deflating to see my “Total” so far removed from where I was in March, so I wiped it. (Plus, now I’ll start getting rewards at meetings again, which are oddly motivating.) I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin, acutely aware of my heaviness and the space I take up–again.
So here I am, a little beat up and worse for wear, but I have not given up. I am not giving up on myself. I’ve come too far on this journey to just throw in the towel. I may have taken a few steps backwards, but I’m still in this.
In the coming days, I’ll share more of what I’ve been up to these last 3 months–no promises, of course, because it’s evident I can’t keep them.
Just know that I’m doing the best I can right now. P.S. I literally haven’t opened Blogger since the last time I posted, so I have a lot of commenting and catching up to do. Don’t be surprised if I respond to something that is months old 🙂
I’ve missed you, but I’ve been away so long that I was ashamed to come back and let you see how I’ve fallen.
And then I realized, The longer I stay away, the further I fall.
So, I’ve come back, sheepishly, with my head down feeling a little embarrassed. Why do I feel embarrassed? Well, I’ve gained some <more> weight back. The last time I wrote, I was up about 13 pounds. I was doing okay, and then Ryan spent 6 days in the hospital with pneumonia (he’s okay now) and it all went to hell. Now I’ve gone ahead and gained nearly 30 pounds (28.8 as of last Saturday’s weigh in)–that’s half the weight I’d ever-so-painstakingly lost over the course of 2 years.
All that work–poof. Up in smoke, just like that, in a matter of months.
I desperately want to get back “on the wagon,” but I don’t even know how. I feel like such a fraud, a failure, because I can’t even practice what I preach.
I’ve started seeing Mary (my therapist) regularly again, though it feels different this time. Last time, when I started therapy, I was full of hope and determination. This time, I just feel sadness, and defeat. I know, I know it’s one big self-fulfilling prophecy. I just can’t get myself out of this hole.
My clothes are all tight and nothing fits me well, all this re-gained weight has gone straight to my midsection–the high point of this weekend was Karinne asking if there was a baby in my belly. (The rational part of my brain realizes she probably would have asked that just for fun, regardless of the size of my stomach, but the emotional part of my brain took it to heart and it definitely stung a little.)
It’s been a long time since I felt this negative about myself, my body, life in general. And it’s a great big circle, because everything affects, well, everything. When I feel bad about myself, then I don’t take care of myself (eat less healthy, bathe less), I don’t take care of the house (dishes pile up, laundry piles up, living room is a war zone), and I don’t take care of my family (stop cooking, watch more tv, interact less with kids, pay less attention to Marc).
Basically, this has to stop. I have to stop. The only way I know to do this is just to fake it til I make it. So, for starters, I’m going to do one good thing for myself every day–go for a walk, eat a salad, take a shower, blog–whatever it is, it has to be just for me.
I’m also going to return to tracking my food–for real. I’ve been logging into My Fitness Pal every day, but only to keep up my streak–I haven’t actually logged my food in months. The good, the bad, the ugly, I’m tracking it all. Help me stay accountable and add me if you use it too–I’m “steeners”! The third item on my new plan of action is that before I put any food into my mouth, I’m going to ask myself 3 questions: “Am I hungry?” “Do I really want this?” and “How does this contribute to my goals?” I know I can do this, that this has just been a bit of a bump (hill? mountain?) in this journey, but I’m ready to get past it.
Here are some pictures of life over the last month!
After that, I was feeling good and things were looking up. Until April 25th, when I quit my job. Yep, you read that correctly–I quit my “dream job” with Girls on the Run. Without going into too much detail, let’s just say that it wasn’t a good fit for me. I learned a valuable lesson that sometimes, what you think will be your dream job turns out to be a nightmare.
Leading up to that day, I’d already started dreading going to work every day, and I’d gained 13 pounds. In a mere 6 weeks, I’d gained 13 pounds. Let that sink in. I went right back to my old binge eating “friend”–proving what I already knew, that you’re never “cured” of an eating disorder, you just learn how to handle it and handle yourself without turning to food.
There was a triggering event which caused me to realize I needed to quit; I was trying to stick it out, thinking it’d get better, but after one particular incident, I’d had enough. I called Marc and told him that absolutely couldn’t go back there–and he agreed. When I’d made up my mind that I wasn’t going back, it was like a huge weight was lifted–the pit in my stomach was gone, and I knew I’d made the right decision.
I decided not to immediately start looking for work; we can survive on Marc’s income, so I’m just taking my time and doing some soul-searching to figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do now. I did go on an interview last Tuesday at a private school in New Orleans, and if the salary’s good I will most likely take it.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t upset about all of this–in fact, I’m pissed. I had a good, stable job with a great company (granted, the pay wasn’t great and I was bored out of my mind), and I left it to take the GOTR job which was even crappier pay ($11/hr, you guys… but I told myself it was worth it because, DREAM JOB!)… and now I have no job. But, here’s the thing…
I’m not a failure. I don’t know why this had to happen, but it did. At first, I thought maybe I’m just supposed to be a stay-at-home-mom for a while–which is pretty awesome when the kids are in school 😀 But the more I think about it, I know I need to get a job sooner rather than later, because we’ve racked up more debt over the last year than we’re comfortable with; if I get a job that pays enough, we could easily knock it out in a year.
Funemployment has been pretty nice; our house is clean, I’m able to cook dinner every night, I’m not exhausted all the time… so yeah, maybe I am just supposed to be a homemaker right now. The kids get out of school next week, so that should be fun…I’ll have about a week with them before their summer care starts.
I’ve lost a few pounds from that 13-lb gain, but it’s kind of leveled off… I’m just having a hard time finding my focus again. I’m trying to be kind to myself though, because I’ve had a lot to deal with. I spend a lot of time reminding myself that this job not working out wasn’t my fault, that I’m not worthless. I just want to get my head back in the game and get this weight off.
I do hope to start posting more… thanks for sticking around through my absence. I don’t want this blog to die; it’s just been hard to find the words to write about this whole ordeal, but today in the middle of eating lunch, the inspiration hit me. So, here’s to being more present on this blog!
Hi! In my last post, I said that was taking a little break, “maybe a week,” but somehow that week turned into a whole MONTH. A lot has happened since then–some expected, some unexpected; some good, some not-so-good. Through it all, I have sincerely missed blogging and all of you, but I literally haven’t been able to muster the energy to put together a real blog post until now.
So, initially, my reason for taking a break from the blog was that I accepted a new job, and didn’t want to accidentally spill the beans on the blog before I had a chance to break it to my then-current employer. Well, I’ve now been at my new job for 2 whole weeks, so I guess it’s safe to tell you all about it–I accepted a job with Girls on the Run in New Orleans! I am their Community Outreach and Heart & Sole Program manager, and I couldn’t be more thrilled! Heart & Sole is their program for 6-8th graders (which I coached last season), and it’s still in its first year so it’s a good time for me to come on board.
Well, before I had a chance to start my new job, I started having some major issues with my lap band. I mentioned it a bit in this post, but things really only got worse from there. Reflux meds did diddly-squat, and it had gotten to the point that at times, I couldn’t even drink water. I was absolutely miserable–I couldn’t eat, couldn’t drink, had zero energy, and was getting pretty depressed over it all; the doctor I’d been seeing referred me to an actual surgeon, and the new doctor agreed that it had to come out. The doc performed an endoscopy which confirmed that my band had slipped (meaning it was no longer in the place where it should be), so it really really had to come out; leaving it there would only cause further complications, including the chance of erosion through my stomach lining. Of course, even with all of this evidence, my insurance refused to cover the surgery–to them, just the mere mention of lap band meant that this was elective. We ended up paying cash (er, credit) for the whole thing; it cost around $5800 to remove, much cheaper than I thought it would be… so Marc and I decided that the debt was worth my health and sanity.
Okay, so I had the surgery on March 11th (Friday), and I was set to start my new job on March 14th (Monday). I’ve had laparoscopic procedures before, and I never had a problem having surgery on Friday and going back to work on Monday. I thought I’d probably be a little sore, but that’s it. Well…….. the joke was on me, big time. It started Friday evening, after we got home. I took 1 dose of the [email protected], and learned that I should never ever take that again. I had such a horrible reaction; I was completely out of it, and when I tried to get up to go to the bathroom (with Marc’s help, of course), I literally stood up and fainted–like, dropped like a rock to the floor. Multiple times. Marc says that I passed out like that probably 5-6 times, and he was ready to call 911 because my eyes were rolling to the back of my head and I was shaking; he did call my doctor (who was kind enough to give me his cell phone #) and had him on the phone late into the night.
The next day, Saturday, is a complete blur. I literally stayed in bed all day, barely conscious, until it was nighttime. I had an awful, horrible pounding headache, and really just felt like shit. Nothing helped the headache–it sounded like a million hooves marching through my brain in unison–and it actually lasted until Tuesday. (At some point, I figured out that sitting up made the headache go away, so after Sunday I ended up sleeping upright, sitting on the couch, through the following Friday.)
Early Tuesday morning, like 3am, I got up because I just couldn’t take the pounding in my head anymore. Marc got up with me and ran a bath, thinking that might relieve some of the pressure–at that point, we noticed that some bruising had developed on my abdomen, starting from my incisions around my belly button and wrapping around my left side to my back. By Tuesday evening, the bruising had spread and the area between my waist and hip on my left side was completely dark purple. (In case you’re wondering, I did start my job on Monday as planned–I looked and felt like death warmed over, but I went!)
My doctor had me come in on Wednesday (16th) and ran some blood work; turns out, my hematocrit (percentage of actual red blood cells in blood) was down to 20%; pre-surgery, it was a nice, healthy 42%. I’d lost half of my blood volume somewhere along the way (probably sloshing around in my abdomen). My doctor was pretty stumped as to what caused it (though I have a feeling that my fainting on that previous Friday didn’t help anything), which isn’t really what you want to hear! I felt so absolutely horrible; I got winded just walking across a parking lot–forget going up and down stairs! I was nauseous, my head hurt, and I was incredibly pale; many people pointed out that my lips were the color of my face (thanks, guys!). However, it wasn’t really worth the risk to give me blood, so my doc thought it best to just let my blood come back on its own, which would take around a month. Ugh.
So, March 20-21, I was supposed to go to Dallas for a National Training with GOTR. Thanks to my newfound health issues, I wasn’t allowed to fly or drive that distance by myself, so I had the wonderful experience of taking a Greyhound bus to Dallas! It’s about 8 hours by standard car, but with Greyhound, it’s a lovely 12-hour trip. I don’t really want to dwell on it, but let’s just say that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, I met lots of interesting people, and it’s something that I can now cross off the bucket list 😉
Slowly but surely, I’m feeling a little bit better every day. Today, just over 2 weeks post-surgery, I actually feel pretty good. I still get worn out faster than I used to, but the headaches and nausea are gone (mostly), and I can sleep in my bed again. I’m also still a tad pale, but nothing like I was a week ago. I’m taking an iron supplement to help my blood production–I’m not sure if it’s really helping, but I gotta do what I can! I also was not able to run or even walk the Crescent City Classic yesterday, which was supposed to be my first 10K; however, I worked at GOTR’s table and cheered on the runners that I saw!
A couple of other good things that have happened over the last month–I reached 60 pounds down the week before my surgery!!! Of course, I’m carrying quite a bit of post-surgery bloat and fluid, and bit a true weight gain I’m sure, but it’ll come off in no time.
Remember how Marc and I were going through the RCIA classes (briefly mentioned here)? Well, now we are officially Catholic! We were confirmed at last night’s Easter vigil, and it was pretty amazing.
Sunrise coming into New Orleans, on the bus from Dallas; the return trip was 7pm to 7am!
It’s been a busy, crazy, topsy-turvy month, but I’m back. It’s time to remember my goals and make blogging a priority again–and boy, do I have some blog reading to catch up on! What have you been up to since we last chatted?
You may have noticed (or maybe you haven’t) that I haven’t been blogging very much the last couple of weeks. There’s been a lot going on, and it’s hard to blog when you can’t talk about certain BIG things that are happening.
Because of this, I’ve decided to take a little blogging break. Nothing huge, just a week probably–but I really feel like I need to remove the pressure of feeling like I HAVE to blog while I sort out some other things that are happening.
Don’t worry–these are GOOD things that are happening, and I absolutely cannot wait to spill the beans to you all!
So as you can see, it’s not like I have a whole lot to report about last week’s training. Considering my utter lack of activity all week, I was a little nervous about Sunday’s long run. However, it ended up being an absolutely GORGEOUS morning and I had a FABULOUS run!
I seriously felt great throughout the entire run; my legs started getting tired toward the end, but I powered through because I really wanted all my miles under 15 minutes–and I did it! Just look at those splits:
I’m not counting the last half-mile in my “all miles under 15 minutes,” just FYI 🙂 I love how mile 4 was juuuuuust under the 15-minute mark. Anyway.
Just 5 and a half weeks until my 10K!
Also, there’s still time to help me raise money to support Girls on the Run New Orleans. I’ve reached my goal of $1000–but you can definitely still donate via my fundraising page! (I may raise that goal again, but I haven’t decided yet.)
Down another 2.4 lbs! Of course, I probably put it all back on over the weekend, but we’ll see 🙂
This was a pretty big weekend for us… Ryan’s birthday, my dad and step-mom came to visit, and our RCIA Rite of Election happened. We were busy!
The visit with my dad went really well; Friday night, we went to the Lenten Fish Fry at the kids’ school, Saturday was Ryan’s party and then Parkway Bakery (our favorite place as of late) for dinner, and Sunday we got up and went to the Ruby Slipper for brunch. We were so busy, that’s really all we had time to do!
Sunday’s Rite of Election was pretty neat; we went to St. Louis Cathedral in the French Quarter with all of the other RCIA candidates under the New Orleans Archdiocese and met the Archbishop. Despite there being hundreds of people that were individually called to go up and shake hands, the whole thing was done in less than 2 hours. My only regret is that we didn’t take a photo with Marc’s grandparents (they’re our sponsors–kind of like godparents for us, since we’re converting from a different Christian denomination); we all were dressed up and it completely slipped my mind!
So now, what you really care about–Ryan’s EPIC Star Wars birthday party! I’m just going to give a rundown of everything, but let me know if you’d like any more info about any part of it and I’ll make another post that goes into more detail!
First things first, the cake–I baked a super fudgy chocolate cake from scratch, and make the buttercream frosting from scratch as well. The cake itself wasn’t awesome (it wasn’t bad, but it’s not the perfect recipe I’ve been searching for), but the frosting was absolutely perfect; super smooth and not too gritty or sweet. Marc helped me by outlining the design with a toothpick, and he also did the writing.
Decorations! I brought the balloons (including giant R2D2) and favor bags, but the facility did all of the other decorations! I was extremely pleased with how everything turned out.
I’m super pleased with how everything turned out; I literally could not have asked for it to go more smoothly!
Apologies for failing to post this yesterday–it was Mardi Gras here in New Orleans, and it completely slipped my mind!
Anyway, here’s how the last week of training went:
Monday: Nothing, again. Mondays are tough! Tuesday: 30 minutes with 2:1 intervals; 15:52 overall pace Wednesday: Attempted speed work, but cut short due to horrible thigh pain Thursday: Rest to allow thigh to recover Friday: 30 minutes with 2:1 intervals; 15:12 overall pace Saturday: Nothing; Endymion parade festivities all day! Sunday: 4.5 mile run, 2:1 intervals; 15:38 overall pace
I still haven’t managed to follow my training plan exactly, but I’m still pleased with last week’s effort.
I was pretty bummed about Wednesday; I was excited to do my speed work, but about 3 minutes in, I got this horrible pain in my right thigh/groin area. I tried to walk it out, but nothing helped. It didn’t hurt when I was just walking, but as soon as I’d try to run, the pain was excruciating. It still hurt a bit the next day, so I opted to just let it rest for another day. Fortunately, it felt fine on Friday and I had a great run!
As I wrote on Monday, Saturday was spent with Endymion festivities all day. Even though I only drank about half a beer all day, the entire day just wore me out and I felt like utter doodoo when I woke up on Sunday morning. I contemplated putting the run off until later in the day, but I knew it wouldn’t happen at all if I did that, so I sucked it up and just went for it. It was in the 40’s on Sunday morning (freezing to me!) so I had on a long-sleeve tech shirt, thin running jacket, and a hat with my Go Warm running tights (love Old [email protected]!). Of course, it was a beautiful day and the sun was out full force, so within about 10 minutes I’d removed my hat and jacket and pushed up my sleeves. I hate running with my jacket around my waist, so I put the hat and jacket on a bench and hoped no one would take them.
The first 2 miles were seriously a test of my will–I absolutely wanted to quit! I knew that I’d be pissed at myself if I gave up though, so I trudged forward and didn’t worry about how fast or slow I was moving. The point was just to get the distance! I finally started to feel better around the 2 mile point though, and the last couple of miles went by much quicker. Check out my splits!
As you can see, my pace picked up as I felt better; Mile 4 is slower because I walked through a couple of run intervals, but my legs were just tired. I probably could have run them if I’d really tried, though it would have been slooooow.
All in all, I’m pleased with how my training is going so far. Looking forward to this week!
First things first, I had a great weigh in this week…
I’m creeping closer and closer to 60 pounds lost! I’m really feeling some momentum, and I’m starting to truly believe that this is the year I will finally see ONEderland (weight in the 100’s) again, and reach my goal weight (still yet to be determined).
Karinne’s wagon parade on Friday was soooo cute! The parade was made up of Pre-K4 and Kindergarten students, and their 6th/7th grade buddies pulled their wagons. Man, some of the parents really went all out on the floats! Like, they actually BUILT things, and used things like papier mache! Some of them really had to get creative if they didn’t have a wagon (I assume), because there were kids in wheelbarrows, boxes build on to hand trucks… it was awesome! I went to Party City and bought a bunch of Mardi Gras decorations and Marc decorated her wagon with that stuff.
Saturday was Samedi Gras, aka the Saturday before Mardi Gras, aka Endymion Saturday! As I said in my post on Friday, it’s the largest Mardi Gras parade and we’re fortunate that we live only a block from the route; we’re also fairly close to the start of it, so we don’t have to wait too long for it to get to us. I made some really healthy dishes (NOT!)–Rotel cheese dip with sausage, and Ooey Gooey Bars. I added chocolate chips to half the pan of bars, and man–that was good. It was my first time making them, and the directions really stressed the importance of not overbaking, so I ended up slightly underbaking them. They were just extra gooey 😉 We invited a few friends over who we met through daycare and school, and we ran into another school friend who happened to be at another party across the street from us!
The parade lasted about 3 hours, and the kids had a blast! This is the first year we were able to stay for the entire parade; in the past, the kids have always gotten way too exhausted to finish it. They got tons of beads and blinky toys; Ryan got a really awesome sword, but on our way home he tripped and smacked his head on the pavement, thus dropping it. We forgot about it until we got home; Marc went back to see if it was maybe still in the road, but it was gone. (Ryan’s OK, by the way!)
Sunday morning, we took it easy. Marc and I were super sore from holding the kids on our shoulders for so long, plus just standing up for most of the day. I did manage to get in my 4.5 mile long run though!
FYI, we are off work tomorrow for actual Mardi Gras day, so expect more Mardi Gras pictures later this week!