Friday, May 13, 2016

Where to start?

So last time I posted, I said I was struggling.

I did, indeed, get my walk in that day--score!

After that, I was feeling good and things were looking up. Until April 25th, when I quit my job.

Yep, you read that correctly--I quit my "dream job" with Girls on the Run.

Without going into too much detail, let's just say that it wasn't a good fit for me. I learned a valuable lesson that sometimes, what you think will be your dream job turns out to be a nightmare.

Leading up to that day, I'd already started dreading going to work every day, and I'd gained 13 pounds. In a mere 6 weeks, I'd gained 13 pounds. Let that sink in. I went right back to my old binge eating "friend"--proving what I already knew, that you're never "cured" of an eating disorder, you just learn how to handle it and handle yourself without turning to food.

There was a triggering event which caused me to realize I needed to quit; I was trying to stick it out, thinking it'd get better, but after one particular incident, I'd had enough. I called Marc and told him that absolutely couldn't go back there--and he agreed. When I'd made up my mind that I wasn't going back, it was like a huge weight was lifted--the pit in my stomach was gone, and I knew I'd made the right decision.

I decided not to immediately start looking for work; we can survive on Marc's income, so I'm just taking my time and doing some soul-searching to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do now. I did go on an interview last Tuesday at a private school in New Orleans, and if the salary's good I will most likely take it.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset about all of this--in fact, I'm pissed. I had a good, stable job with a great company (granted, the pay wasn't great and I was bored out of my mind), and I left it to take the GOTR job which was even crappier pay ($11/hr, you guys... but I told myself it was worth it because, DREAM JOB!)... and now I have no job. But, here's the thing...

I'm not a failure. I don't know why this had to happen, but it did. At first, I thought maybe I'm just supposed to be a stay-at-home-mom for a while--which is pretty awesome when the kids are in school :D But the more I think about it, I know I need to get a job sooner rather than later, because we've racked up more debt over the last year than we're comfortable with; if I get a job that pays enough, we could easily knock it out in a year.

Funemployment has been pretty nice; our house is clean, I'm able to cook dinner every night, I'm not exhausted all the time... so yeah, maybe I am just supposed to be a homemaker right now. The kids get out of school next week, so that should be fun...I'll have about a week with them before their summer care starts.

I've lost a few pounds from that 13-lb gain, but it's kind of leveled off... I'm just having a hard time finding my focus again. I'm trying to be kind to myself though, because I've had a lot to deal with. I spend a lot of time reminding myself that this job not working out wasn't my fault, that I'm not worthless. I just want to get my head back in the game and get this weight off.

I do hope to start posting more... thanks for sticking around through my absence. I don't want this blog to die; it's just been hard to find the words to write about this whole ordeal, but today in the middle of eating lunch, the inspiration hit me. So, here's to being more present on this blog!


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