Thursday, February 11, 2016

What's in a picture?

Earlier this week, one of my Facebook friends "liked" a photo of me from 2010. I thought, "Ugh, I hate that picture. She must be going through my photos," and didn't think much else of it.

The next day, someone else liked that photo. I thought, "Great, she must have seen that so-and-so liked it. Stupid Facebook!"

A few days later, another person liked it.

And then another.

And then another.

And then I closed my eyes and prayed that no one else would see it. 

Beijing, China; I don't know my exact weight, but I know I was close to 300 pounds.
You see, this photo, it's more than just a picture. It digs at me, reminding me of my former self, how I wore my misery on my body for everyone to see.

It taunts me, causing me to question the progress I've made, leaving me to wonder why people are actually "liking" this photo.

Do I still look like that? 

Is that really how people perceive me? 

I thought I looked pretty good these days... but maybe that picture is the reality.

I took it to my Lovely Ladies Facebook group to hash out my feelings about it, and upon further reflection, it came down to this:
I think I'm really more worried that people are liking this photo because they think I still look like that. I really hope not, but my disordered brain still wonders, "do I look like that still? Is that how others perceive me?" It's messed up thinking, I know, and I'm fairly confident that I DON'T look like that anymore... like, I feel like I look pretty good, but I wonder, do others still see me as a fat blob? I know when I was at my heaviest, I didn't think I looked that big... but now I look at pictures from that time and I think, "Daaang, I can't believe I let myself get to that point."
And then, brilliant Anna suggested I take a current photo and make a side-by-side pic to prove the change to my brain, so I did. I had my coworker take a photo of me this morning, and I forced those disordered thoughts to go back to where the sun don't shine (or something like that... you know what I mean):

Left: size 3X top, 24W pants / Right: plain old XL

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