Thursday, August 6, 2015

Coping, Not Binging

I have a secret that I want to share with you about eating disorder recovery...

I miss it.

There, I said it.

I miss binging. I miss binging when things are tough. I miss that brief escape from reality.

When life got too difficult, when things got too real, I could always count on a good binge to get me through it. Exchange the sadness and anger for relief smothered by guilt; get lost in food to forget what pained me.

We had a good thing going on... except for that whole "not really living" thing... and the unhealthiness and general misery of it all. Details.


Sometimes, it feels like nothing goes right. Marc and I have a fairly modest income, and basically live just slightly better than paycheck to paycheck. Our only debt is my student loan, and we usually have an emergency fund of $1000 in the bank. Unfortunately, thanks to recent car repairs and vet bills, our emergency fund is down to less than $100.

So last week, our primary car went on the fritz. We have 2 cars... a crappy 1999 Montero with no A/C but is good for going to and from work, and a 2006 Ford minivan. The minivan has been in the shop since Wednesday of last week, and on Friday they informed us that it was probably the transmission and we would not be able to drive it to the beach on Sunday. I managed to work up the nerve to talk to my boss and tell him that I didn't think we could go on the company trip because it just wasn't smart for us to rent a car on top of everything else looming over us, and he let us borrow his car to go on the trip. (I do have a really nice boss.)                                                

The auto shop finally got us a quote yesterday--and we need a new transmission. A $3500 repair for a car we paid $3200 for.

NOT HAPPENING.

Basically, the van is scrap at this point. We're most likely a one-crappy-car family now for the foreseeable future, and it sucks. We are definitely not where we thought we'd be, financially or career-wise, at this point in our lives.

I try to be happy and content with what we do have, but frankly, it's hard. I'm at the point where I need to ask for a raise (which I doubt will happen), or start looking for a new job. I love the company I work for and everything about it, but it's just not paying the bills and I know I'm certainly worth more than I'm being paid.

We're also starting to contemplate moving out of New Orleans, because, well, the crime rate is skyrocketing and it's crazy expensive to live here. The kids HAVE to go to private school, and that alone is reason enough to move some place with better schools. We'd probably either head to the Dallas area (near Marc's parents), or back to Birmingham (we loved the area where we lived).

We just have a lot to think about, and through it all, I have this one persistent, insistent thought:

EAT.

But I won't. I will not give in to the old, familiar habit that seeks to destroy everything, every effort I've put forth this year. I turned to the blog, because that's why I started this in the first place. As much as I want to eat 2 pints of ice cream, 27 cookies, and a bag of popcorn sprinkled with chocolate chips, I won't do it. 

I won't do it because I deserve better. I am better. I am more than the little girl who runs and hides and eats to ignore the chaos; I am strong. I am strong because I'm a fighter, a survivor, and I'll get through this. I know I will, because simply by writing this post I can tell... 

I've already won.

7 comments:

  1. I really appreciate how honest and raw you are. You are better! You are winning! You are strong.

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  2. Ah I love this and relate to it SO MUCH. So much. Thank you for being honest and raw and open.

    I just found your blog via a comment on Emmie's and I'm going to have to go back and read through more posts. Thank you for sharing! :)

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  3. This is one of my biggest problems aswell, I'm just starting to try and overcome it so I have a long way to go. Food has always been my go-to comfort.

    Thank you for your inspiration!

    I found you here: http://www.priorfatgirl.com/2015/08/feeling-fat.html#comments

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  4. Hey Christina. You are wonderful and awesome (1) for having the awareness that binging is not really coping, (2) for not acting on the initial impulse to binge to soothe yourself, (3) for blogging about it and holding yourself accountable, (4) for blogging about all the other awful stuff that's going on that's stressing you out - that's a vulnerable thing to do, (5) for being positive and recognizing that you've won, and (6) just because you are wonderful and awesome to begin with regardless of what else is going on or what choices you make. I'm sending you hugs and lots of positive thoughts. (((HUGS)))

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  5. Sorry to hear about your car and impending move. It is so tough to pick up your family and move, but you've got a lot of reasons to consider it. Good job writing it out rather than diving in the binge. I know how tempting it is. I definitely don't miss the constant self-disgust, but I can see missing the avoidance of the real stressor that can come with binges. You'll get through this - you're right.You've already won.

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  6. Oh boy can I relate to this! Thank so much for this post, I need it this week! Great job!!!

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  7. I have never thought of myself as a binge eater, but now I'm starting to wonder if that's really what I am. I turn to food when things get tough. I enjoyed this post and it's something I really needed to hear.

    If you need a new place to live, move to Iowa so we can be workout buddies. ;)

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