Saturday, May 23, 2015

My Story, Part 3

Welcome to Part 3 of My Story. If you need a refresher, here's Part 1 and Part 2.
In December of 2009, I thought I might be pregnant. I'd been on birth control (NuvaRing) for about 4 years, but that particular month, I realized that my period never came like it normally did during the "off" week. I took a few pregnancy tests here and there (all negative), and when my period finally arrived, Marc and I realized we were actually disappointed that I wasn't pregnant. 

I suppose it's one of things where you always say, "It's not a good time right now," but then you're faced with reality and it doesn't matter whether it's a good time because the time is now. I think we realized then that it would never be a good time to get pregnant, so let's just take this false alarm as a sign and go for it. 

By September 2010, I still wasn't pregnant, and I realized that my cycles were waaaay screwy--like, 50 days here, 20 days there, 43 days... you get the picture. I went to a gynecologist and told her what was going on, so she did an ultrasound and it turns out my ovaries were covered in cysts. Yay, PCOS (she said sarcastically). I think I weighed around 280 at that point; the doctor looked at me and told me if I lost 10 pounds, she'd put me on Clomid. Ten pounds... no biggie, right?

June 2010, ~280 lbs
I knew my history with weight loss--it was never easy, and it was always slow. Sloooooow. I knew it would take me months to drop 10 pounds. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I didn't want to go through a pregnancy at this weight. I figured it would be at least a year before I'd be at a "healthy" weight, and we just didn't want to wait that long to get pregnant if we could help it. I remembered that one of the "American in Korea" blogs I read was weight loss-related, so I went back to her blog to gain some motivation; turns out, she had finally given in and had weight loss surgery (the sleeve). 

After learning that, I thought that if she finally gave up on losing weight the old-fashioned way, then there surely was no hope for me except weight loss surgery (WLS). I knew I didn't want to actually lose any part of my stomach, so I starting researching lap-band surgery in Korea. It was 1/2 the cost of having it done in the US, with none of the hoops, and on October 30, 2010, I received my lap band at 275 pounds. 
Looking back, I know I rushed into it. I knew I was rushing it when I did it. I just wanted the weight off. I wanted it gone. I was tired of trying to lose it on my own. I rushed it because I didn't want to lose my nerve. Here's the thing, though--and the thing for a lot of people who ultimately regain after WLS--I never addressed the issues that led to my weight gain to begin with. I truly believe that for anyone who is morbidly obese, there are psychological issues at hand. Unfortunately, most of the world doesn't view "fat" as a symptom of a greater need and most of the people never get any sort of help. Instead, we are ridiculed and ostracized and told just stop shoving food in your face or get up and move or you're a fat bitch. I was so tired, and sad, and sick of feeling so worthless because I didn't have the "willpower" to just lose the fucking weight already. I was over it
Ironically enough, I got a positive pregnancy test on December 4th, 2010. You mean I just paid $7000 to have WLS and I get pregnant NOW???!?!? I weighed about 250 when I found out I was pregnant, and continued losing weight throughout the pregnancy. I gained a bunch after giving birth in August 2011, and then lost a bunch only to find out I was pregnant again in June 2012. Gave birth in February 2013 and reached a low of about 245 before I started gaining again.

I thought about going into more detail regarding the weight loss/gain surrounding the pregnancies, but after typing it all out, I decided it just wasn't relevant. I will say this, though--I thoroughly loved being pregnant. I loved my pregnant body, and I honestly can't remember any other time in my life when I felt so beautiful and radiant.
39 weeks, July 2011; a hair over 40 weeks (delivery day), Feb 2013
P.S. You may be wondering about that lap band. I got it refilled again when I lost weight between the two pregnancies, but I have been living with it unfilled since about July 2012. I chose not to get it refilled post-2nd pregnancy, first because I was depressed and didn't care, but then I realized that I just don't need this stupid thing and it's not the answer I was looking for. I'd get it removed if I could, but it's not causing me any problems and I don't have $15k lying around to have it removed voluntarily. For all intents and purposes, it does not exist.

1 comment:

  1. You do look beautiful! I never felt good about myself while pregnant.


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