Thursday, September 29, 2016

33... A fresh start

Well, hello. It's me. I was wondering if after all these years months you'd like to meet. 

(Couldn't help myself, the song was too perfect.)

And this week, the week of my 33rd birthday (which is actually today), I wiped the slate clean. It's my fresh start.

I've said this several times before... here, and here, even here. I hate that I'm back in this place. I thought I'd said goodbye to this place a long time ago.

But here I am.

My fresh start, it has to be today, this week, because if not now, then when? Next week? Next month? Another 10 pounds from now?

I officially reset my starting weight at WW last Saturday. Six months ago I was 60 pounds down, then all hell broke loose and here I am, 40 pounds heavier (that was harder to type than I thought it would be.) At least I haven't regained it all? It was too deflating to see my "Total" so far removed from where I was in March, so I wiped it. (Plus, now I'll start getting rewards at meetings again, which are oddly motivating.)

I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin, acutely aware of my heaviness and the space I take up--again.

So here I am, a little beat up and worse for wear, but I have not given up. I am not giving up on myself. I've come too far on this journey to just throw in the towel. I may have taken a few steps backwards, but I'm still in this.

In the coming days, I'll share more of what I've been up to these last 3 months--no promises, of course, because it's evident I can't keep them.

Just know that I'm doing the best I can right now. 

P.S. I literally haven't opened Blogger since the last time I posted, so I have a lot of commenting and catching up to do. Don't be surprised if I respond to something that is months old :)

Monday, June 27, 2016

On faking it... a plan of action

Deep breath.

It's been a while, my friend.

I've missed you, but I've been away so long that I was ashamed to come back and let you see how I've fallen.

And then I realized, The longer I stay away, the further I fall.

So, I've come back, sheepishly, with my head down feeling a little embarrassed. Why do I feel embarrassed? Well, I've gained some <more> weight back. The last time I wrote, I was up about 13 pounds. I was doing okay, and then Ryan spent 6 days in the hospital with pneumonia (he's okay now) and it all went to hell. Now I've gone ahead and gained nearly 30 pounds (28.8 as of last Saturday's weigh in)--that's half the weight I'd ever-so-painstakingly lost over the course of 2 years.

All that work--poof. Up in smoke, just like that, in a matter of months.

I desperately want to get back "on the wagon," but I don't even know how. I feel like such a fraud, a failure, because I can't even practice what I preach.

I've started seeing Mary (my therapist) regularly again, though it feels different this time. Last time, when I started therapy, I was full of hope and determination. This time, I just feel sadness, and defeat. I know, I know it's one big self-fulfilling prophecy. I just can't get myself out of this hole.

My clothes are all tight and nothing fits me well, all this re-gained weight has gone straight to my midsection--the high point of this weekend was Karinne asking if there was a baby in my belly. (The rational part of my brain realizes she probably would have asked that just for fun, regardless of the size of my stomach, but the emotional part of my brain took it to heart and it definitely stung a little.) 

It's been a long time since I felt this negative about myself, my body, life in general. And it's a great big circle, because everything affects, well, everything. When I feel bad about myself, then I don't take care of myself (eat less healthy, bathe less), I don't take care of the house (dishes pile up, laundry piles up, living room is a war zone), and I don't take care of my family (stop cooking, watch more tv, interact less with kids, pay less attention to Marc).

Basically, this has to stop. I have to stop. The only way I know to do this is just to fake it til I make it. So, for starters, I'm going to do one good thing for myself every day--go for a walk, eat a salad, take a shower, blog--whatever it is, it has to be just for me.

I'm also going to return to tracking my food--for real. I've been logging into My Fitness Pal every day, but only to keep up my streak--I haven't actually logged my food in months. The good, the bad, the ugly, I'm tracking it all. Help me stay accountable and add me if you use it too--I'm "steeners"! 

 The third item on my new plan of action is that before I put any food into my mouth, I'm going to ask myself 3 questions: "Am I hungry?" "Do I really want this?" and "How does this contribute to my goals?"

I know I can do this, that this has just been a bit of a bump (hill? mountain?) in this journey, but I'm ready to get past it.

Here are some pictures of life over the last month!

The kids were off for a week between school ending and summer camp starting--we had fun!


The aquarium has a fountain outside that the kids love to play in, and it's perfect for cooling off on a sweltering day
Before Ryan was hospitalized; he was under the weather for a while and stayed home from camp one day
Hospital collage - Top left is the day he was admitted, and top right is the day before we went home
Me, today. Maybe not the most flattering picture, but it's reality. 



Friday, May 13, 2016

Where to start?

So last time I posted, I said I was struggling.

I did, indeed, get my walk in that day--score!

After that, I was feeling good and things were looking up. Until April 25th, when I quit my job.

Yep, you read that correctly--I quit my "dream job" with Girls on the Run.

Without going into too much detail, let's just say that it wasn't a good fit for me. I learned a valuable lesson that sometimes, what you think will be your dream job turns out to be a nightmare.

Leading up to that day, I'd already started dreading going to work every day, and I'd gained 13 pounds. In a mere 6 weeks, I'd gained 13 pounds. Let that sink in. I went right back to my old binge eating "friend"--proving what I already knew, that you're never "cured" of an eating disorder, you just learn how to handle it and handle yourself without turning to food.

There was a triggering event which caused me to realize I needed to quit; I was trying to stick it out, thinking it'd get better, but after one particular incident, I'd had enough. I called Marc and told him that absolutely couldn't go back there--and he agreed. When I'd made up my mind that I wasn't going back, it was like a huge weight was lifted--the pit in my stomach was gone, and I knew I'd made the right decision.

I decided not to immediately start looking for work; we can survive on Marc's income, so I'm just taking my time and doing some soul-searching to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do now. I did go on an interview last Tuesday at a private school in New Orleans, and if the salary's good I will most likely take it.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset about all of this--in fact, I'm pissed. I had a good, stable job with a great company (granted, the pay wasn't great and I was bored out of my mind), and I left it to take the GOTR job which was even crappier pay ($11/hr, you guys... but I told myself it was worth it because, DREAM JOB!)... and now I have no job. But, here's the thing...

I'm not a failure. I don't know why this had to happen, but it did. At first, I thought maybe I'm just supposed to be a stay-at-home-mom for a while--which is pretty awesome when the kids are in school :D But the more I think about it, I know I need to get a job sooner rather than later, because we've racked up more debt over the last year than we're comfortable with; if I get a job that pays enough, we could easily knock it out in a year.

Funemployment has been pretty nice; our house is clean, I'm able to cook dinner every night, I'm not exhausted all the time... so yeah, maybe I am just supposed to be a homemaker right now. The kids get out of school next week, so that should be fun...I'll have about a week with them before their summer care starts.

I've lost a few pounds from that 13-lb gain, but it's kind of leveled off... I'm just having a hard time finding my focus again. I'm trying to be kind to myself though, because I've had a lot to deal with. I spend a lot of time reminding myself that this job not working out wasn't my fault, that I'm not worthless. I just want to get my head back in the game and get this weight off.

I do hope to start posting more... thanks for sticking around through my absence. I don't want this blog to die; it's just been hard to find the words to write about this whole ordeal, but today in the middle of eating lunch, the inspiration hit me. So, here's to being more present on this blog!